Archive for October, 2014

Struggle

Every day people wake up with their own battle. Some people struggle with addiction, some struggle with disability, others struggle with time management, while still more struggle with interaction.

Mine is a struggle with depression and anxiety. I try to hide it every single day. Every moment that hopeless feeling strikes, I do my best to smile so that no one can see it. I can’t allow myself to bother anyone. No one needs to see the struggle.  Some people witness my self-deprecating humor and take it as their cue to reassure me or compliment me. Those people are fantastic, but it’s hard to explain to them that those comments often fall to the ground because they can’t penetrate the wall that depression has built.

There are days when all I want to do is stay in bed and not interact with anyone, with very very few exceptions. I can’t even bring myself to initiate contact with those exceptions, though, for fear of being a downer or a bother to them.

I feel awful as of late for my anti-social tendencies. I feel myself retreat from people and don’t know how to get back.  Going to Halloween parties has been a rare exception, but even then, I feel like a shell. I have fun, I meet people, but I’m still left feeling completely alone, even in a crowd of people.

Then comes the medication. I take that pill and it’s magical. It makes me feel less worthless to the world.  As long as I keep on the regiment and schedule. Since moving back in with my parents, that schedule doesn’t exist. I don’t have my own space. I don’t have my own retreat. I have reminders of awful times in my past that I wish I could forget. I don’t sleep consistently, some nights only sleeping 2-4 hours in fragments of half hours. Those nights I forget my medication lead to a day or more of struggle.  That silent kind of painful struggle that you can’t share with people. Lost and alone in a world full of people, I try to climb out of that hole. Sometimes it’s successful, other times it’s just not at all.

Depression often leaves me feeling broken as a human being. I feel less than everyone else. I feel unworthy of interaction, unworthy of  affection, and unworthy of friends. I feel like a black hole in many ways.

Writing this entry reminds me of the power depression can wield. I do everything I can to ignore it, to downplay it, but it’s a serious problem. I will have to go back to setting alarms for medication. As pathetic as it is, I don’t know how many more incidents like this I can do before I completely break down.

I have more baggage than an international airport.  I wish I felt like I had a home right now. I wish I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wish I felt like I was worth anything.

I wish I didn’t feel like a hippo was sitting on my chest.

 

 

Lost and Found

I am in a strange type of mode as of late.  Loneliness seems overwhelming, but at the same time, a necessary evil.  I am struggling being back home with my parents.  It makes one feel like a failure at life when nearing 29 years old, you are living in the room you grew up in from age 3.  I find myself sleepless and exhausted multiple nights a week. I’m home, but it’s not home anymore. I don’t belong here.

Future plans are coming to the front of my mind.  Thanks to some words from a Resident at the hospital, I am considering studying abroad next year.  I would want to look into pursuing my Speech Pathology path at Flinders University in Australia.  It will be expensive, but worth it for the experience that would come with it.  Who knows, maybe I’ll find my place there. Anyone that knows me also knows I have an affinity for a good accent.  Maybe I can have babies that will have some hybrid accent. Hah, I’m probably being ridiculous, but I just want to find my place in the world.  I’ve never felt like that place was here. I tried to think that my place was here, and it’s just not working.  I want to start a life. I’ve realized over the past few years that I know what I want out of life.  I want to help people.  I want to be a Speech Pathologist specializing in children. I want to be a wife and mother. I want to nurture and raise a family with someone that wants the same.  I want to be happy. I want to make others happy.

I am struggling right now, more than people know. I have to distract myself  with activity to keep from slipping into my abyss.  I am at a loss as to how to handle it.  I have had a few fantastic friends through all of this, but I still don’t know how to react to my own negativity towards myself.  I know people generally don’t care about other people’s issues, I think that’s why I am writing all of this here.  I have to get it out so it doesn’t fester. I have to get it out so I don’t scream.  I have to get it out so I don’t break.

Anxiety is a bitch. That gripping feeling in your chest when you feel like your heart is going pop.  The shaking and numbness and sweating that doesn’t make any sense.  You can’t talk about it when it’s happening. If you talk about it, you exacerbate it!  When you aren’t talking or able to talk, it makes working in a call center difficult.

Breathe, Mia… Breathe…

Okay, moving along, a couple of things has been awesome about being home.  First, I wake up to the sound of kids giggling and bickering thanks to my mother’s daycare. One morning I was pounced on as I slept. I loved it!  Those kids are always happy to see me. It’s adorable. Second, I have had the opportunity to go through HUGE amounts of stuff from my childhood and adolescence. Thanks to my mother’s inability to throw things away and my father’s obsessive need to organize, that took over the entire weekend with the move.  I found treasures! Hooker boots, stripper shoes, collars, clothing, fishnets, stuffed animals, get well gifts and COPIOUS amounts of photos.  So many people are in trouble when I decide to start sharing some throwbacks on Facebook.  Going through the entire basement and garage from my parents and my own belongings, we filled a 20 yard dumpster. It was like a purge of sorts.  It was a relief of sorts.

I will come back more often to my blog.  It will be my safe place. If no one reads, no one reads. Worse things could happen.