These past 6 months have had more change involved in them than any other period of my life. Being a person that treasures my stability and focus, it has destroyed me in many ways. I feel like a shell. I’ve resorted to wandering whether on foot or by vehicle. Risky behavior and retail therapy only make it worse. I get the tattoos I’ve wanted just to feel something and have something that reminds me I am still me, and not just empty and faking smiles to get through the day.
My anxiety has been notably worse as of late, which I hate with a passion. I don’t feel like I’m in danger, but I never feel safe completely. I rarely sleep soundly, and never for any healthy amount of time. I can’t sleep in my bed, I end up on the couch or in the recliner, sometimes the floor. I hate it. My personality is the same as it has been, but my less desirable aspects seem to be defining my actions as of late.
I miss my friends. I miss many people. I miss people I shouldn’t miss. I miss people that don’t care what comes of me. I won’t initiate hanging out with people due to the inherent fear that I am bothersome to them or that I will bring them down. People have tried to get close to me and due to their style of communication or my own fear, I push them away and shut myself off for fear of getting hurt. Very few people communicate with me regularly, or are able to understand and/or tolerate my strange tendencies, and those people mean the world to me. I wish there was a way to not feel so alone in everything.
I can count the people that can get a real smile out of me on my fingers. I never used to consider it because I could typically smile even when I was having a tough time. I wish I could find that part of me again. I wish I could find the elusive girl that used to enjoy cooking elaborate meals and throwing ridiculous parties for those close to her. I wish I felt wanted or desired in any way that was respectable.
I want to close my eyes and disappear at this point. I want to jump forward to another place and time and see if I ever feel like myself again. While I am an introvert at heart, I still value the connection I can make with people. While my empathy may ruin me on so many occasions, I don’t wish it away at all. I just want to feel a connection to the world again. I want to not feel like a failure or a fuck-up, and I want to feel good enough again. Valued in the slightest would be awesome. Feeling like I had a direction again would be spectacular.
I miss being loved, and expressing love, and having someone that I wanted to hold onto at night that wanted me there just as much. I miss feeling connected to someone. I miss feeling connected to the world.