Archive for the ‘Pain’ Category

Struggles

For as long as I can remember, I’ve known where home is. I don’t feel like I know anymore. This town isn’t mine, this house doesn’t even feel like mine.  I don’t even feel like me as of late. 

Ive always been an odd person. I’ve learned to embrace that. Right now though, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m lost. I’m not sure where I turn. I can’t focus on my schoolwork, I’m struggling to make it through a day without panic attacks or a night without nightmares. I struggle to get out of bed every day. I struggle to sit through a class without feeling like I’m going to break down. This isn’t me. This isn’t what I am… 

Playing bill shuffle to keep the water on, skipping lunch or eating ramen to make sure the kids are fed well,  dreading the rent payment because I know the money isn’t going to be there. It’s terrifying for me. I’ve had some people tell me it’s not a big deal and it is just the way things are, but it’s not the way things have ever been. Wondering where I’m going to have to move in a few months if my lease doesn’t get renewed, hoping the next call isn’t a bill that needs paid, cringing when I get the mail. This isn’t me.

Right now I’m struggling with trying to decide if staying in school is going to be feasible for fall. I am considering dropping out or putting it on hold because my focus needs to be on finding work, making enough money to live off of without the dread of the next month.  I’ve been lucky enough thus far to experience the kindness of strangers and family to even survive. I hate it. I don’t like asking for help. Anyone that knows me, knows that much. I never imagined I would be in this position, where I felt like the world I live in is coming apart at the seams. I can’t keep holding it all back. I can’t keep holding it together. 

I feel like a terrible friend to those closest to me. I have been distant and not very communicative. Partially, it’s out of a fear of annoyance. Partially, it’s a fear of being a downer. Mostly because I just feel like they’re better off without me. 

I’m coming back to the blog as an outlet. The chaos going on internally has nowhere to go anymore. I try to put on the smile and laugh and be productive and not let on the physical pain and discomfort that is going on because of all of this, but it’s getting harder and harder to hide. 

I want to feel like me. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. There’s only so many restless nights and worthless days I can handle. I just have the urge to disappear. 

 

The Loss of a good woman

 

 

My family is my world. It’s the only thing that has kept me in a city and state where I have never felt like I belonged. These pa Read the rest of this entry »