Every day people wake up with their own battle. Some people struggle with addiction, some struggle with disability, others struggle with time management, while still more struggle with interaction.
Mine is a struggle with depression and anxiety. I try to hide it every single day. Every moment that hopeless feeling strikes, I do my best to smile so that no one can see it. I can’t allow myself to bother anyone. No one needs to see the struggle. Some people witness my self-deprecating humor and take it as their cue to reassure me or compliment me. Those people are fantastic, but it’s hard to explain to them that those comments often fall to the ground because they can’t penetrate the wall that depression has built.
There are days when all I want to do is stay in bed and not interact with anyone, with very very few exceptions. I can’t even bring myself to initiate contact with those exceptions, though, for fear of being a downer or a bother to them.
I feel awful as of late for my anti-social tendencies. I feel myself retreat from people and don’t know how to get back. Going to Halloween parties has been a rare exception, but even then, I feel like a shell. I have fun, I meet people, but I’m still left feeling completely alone, even in a crowd of people.
Then comes the medication. I take that pill and it’s magical. It makes me feel less worthless to the world. As long as I keep on the regiment and schedule. Since moving back in with my parents, that schedule doesn’t exist. I don’t have my own space. I don’t have my own retreat. I have reminders of awful times in my past that I wish I could forget. I don’t sleep consistently, some nights only sleeping 2-4 hours in fragments of half hours. Those nights I forget my medication lead to a day or more of struggle. That silent kind of painful struggle that you can’t share with people. Lost and alone in a world full of people, I try to climb out of that hole. Sometimes it’s successful, other times it’s just not at all.
Depression often leaves me feeling broken as a human being. I feel less than everyone else. I feel unworthy of interaction, unworthy of affection, and unworthy of friends. I feel like a black hole in many ways.
Writing this entry reminds me of the power depression can wield. I do everything I can to ignore it, to downplay it, but it’s a serious problem. I will have to go back to setting alarms for medication. As pathetic as it is, I don’t know how many more incidents like this I can do before I completely break down.
I have more baggage than an international airport. I wish I felt like I had a home right now. I wish I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wish I felt like I was worth anything.
I wish I didn’t feel like a hippo was sitting on my chest.