My family is my world. It’s the only thing that has kept me in a city and state where I have never felt like I belonged. These past few weeks, I have watched my grandmother deteriorate. I have watched a woman that is one of the most stubborn and outspoken women I have ever known reduced to the inability to gesture or swallow or breathe unassisted. Every breath seems to pain her. Every turn of her head is a struggle.
I want to take it all away for her. I want to hold her hand and absorb every ounce of suffering ad distress from her body. I know that death is part of the cycle of life. I just want to make it easier for her. I want to make it easier for my father, her other children, and all of the family that is struggling with the sudden deterioration. I sit here holding my father’s hand as he holds his mother’s and tries to keep his composure.
We talk about the funny things, the happier things, and the harder times as well. We talk about the visit time I’ve had with the miniature male version of me and laugh. He squeezes my hand tighter as he sees tears in my eyes. My grandmother and I didn’t often see eye to eye. Neither do my father and myself. However, no matter what arguments, discussions, debates, and disagreements arose throughout my life, above all else, we are family. The love is stronger than any negative feelings could hope to be.
The world has one less incredible woman lighting its existence. My grandmother passed just after 2230 last night. She’s not in pain anymore, she’s not suffering. Her energy takes on another form as it enters the earth again.
While I have felt some extreme pain physically in my life, emotional has always and will always weigh on me more. I don’t feel as sad or anxious or powerless since she has passed. I cried more watching her suffer than I will at any time in this process. Now I smile, I breathe a sigh of relief. I know she isn’t struggling.
I am grateful for amazing friends at this trying time. All good vibes are welcome, regardless of belief system or manifestation of those vibes. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not quite so alone in the world, and that every day gives me something new to which I can look towards and smile.